Earlier tonight I posted on my Facebook wall –
“Look, I could do that 30 days of gratitude thing that people are doing, but I don’t think you need to read ‘Wellbutrin, Deplin, Xanax’ thirty more times.”
I realized it could read like that was ALL I was grateful for and that couldn’t be further from the truth. They’re just the things that allow me to feel gratitude, to experience it as anything other than the end result of rationalization.
The way I experienced depression and anxiety was a stripping away of my ability to FEEL positive emotions. So I could say, and truly understand that I’m lucky in so many ways. I’m fully aware of everything I possess, that many do not, for example my amazing boyfriend who has supported me in every sense through a difficult time. I’ve never had a problem KNOWING that or UNDERSTANDING that.
But it was as if I was trying to color a picture and most of my crayons were gone and I had to just take a pencil and write “blue” in all the sky spaces.
Thanks to Wellbutrin, Deplin and Xanax, I’m getting my crayons back.